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Academy Awards of Online Gambling (2009)

Written by:
Jenny Woo
Published on:
Jan/25/2009
Jenny Woo

Gambling911.com's International Senior Correspondent and vertical chrome pole dance expert reveals her choices for the 2009 Academy Awards of Online Gambling.

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Hey, the nominations were released on Thursday for each category in the 2009 Academy Awards.   A full slate of Oscar betting odds were now available at SBG Global - home of the massive cash bonuses. 

Gone With The Winds - Here's a novel concept.  Come up with a marketing plan that promises "life time revenue sharing" for online gambling affiliates.  A year later, DIE!  But don't really die, just cut off the blood of your ad partners who were supposed to be getting paid for the life of all those players they sent in.  Sure, this could be a remake of that blood sucking film, Dracula, but there was no Oscar bestowed upon the horror classic.   For us, the Grand Prive/Bella Vegas saga is a whole lot like "Gone With The Wind" - not so much that they are gone, but rather "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn".  This one is still in business and still f***ing these poor affiliates.  

Crash - This film stunned a few years back by taking the Oscar away as somewhat of an underdog.  It can be a screen play for what has transpired with BodogLife.com over the past year (though the struggles can be traced back to 2007).  Once the second largest online gambling site, in a matter of two years, Bodog is struggling to maintain its position among the Top 20.   A lost domain name (Bodog.com), the U.S. confiscating funds, lost payment processors and a lost founder (2006 Forbes Billionaire coverboy has disappeared into the sunset), has essentially led to the CRASH of Bodog, albeit they are still around.

Brokeback Mountain - Speaking of which, Bodog once stood as a mountain in an industry surrounded by hills.  Brokeback Mountain was a film about two gay cowboys.  Calvin Ayre is not gay but he might as well be now that he's ridden his horse into the sunset and is presumably wanted by U.S. authorities.  One of the few countries he can freely travel in is Guinea Bissau where the females wear those big spears through their noses, and the men....well.....they can convert Calvin's manhood into Cassava...if you get my drift (be sure to add butter to avoid pungent aftertaste).  White meat good!  YUM!  Especially on big stick over fire.  Remove vocal chords gently. Marinade 24 hours.  If vocal chords are still moving, hit with a big stick and marinate another 48 hours. Simmer in pot with goat head.  

Sorry...was getting a little hungry there.  

In Old Arizona - This was the first major Western to use the new technology of sound and the first talkie to be filmed outdoors.  Unfortunately, the new Arizona includes the likes of Republican whip, Jon Kyl, who takes the term "whip" to a whole other level - a la the ass whippings he's allocated to the online gambling industry via his co-authored legislation - The Unlawful Internet Gaming Enforcement Act.  In Old Arizona, a charming, happy-go-lucky bandit in old Arizona plays cat-and-mouse with the sheriff trying to catch him while he romances a local beauty.  In New Arizona, a charming, happy-go-lucky bandit who plays cat-and-mouse with the Senate, placing an anonymous hold on the Senate Campaign Disclosure Parity Act and inserting material into records related to conversations that never take place.  He also wants to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out of Arizona.  And while In New Arizona won't contain any sex scenes (Jon Kyl is after all a staunch conservative Republican), there is still plenty of screwing to take place.  Online gambling advocate and chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, Barney Frank, stars as Fanny Maye O'Rear, the gay singing, gun slinging cowboy who works tireless to keep Arizona from turning into a desert wasteland of foreclosure properties while big bad Jon Kyl continues fending off evil online gambling predators from...Where else?  Central America.  

How Green Was My Valley - This 1941 flick won "Best Film" and we can apply it to the life of Anurag Dikshit.  For those of you who don't know that name - he was the multi-billionaire co-founder of PartyGaming who, according to Forbes Magazine, now barely has a billion dollars (poor thing).  It gets worse.  Dikshit decided to hand $30 million over to the U.S. government, fearing "future prosecution".  Huh?  He was not indicted or charged with a crime.  Huh?  I must confess, I was once placed in handcuffs by a cop back in my hometown of **********, Florida.  I was nailed for DWI, but was never arrested or charged with a crime.  He used a magnum.  Those were the days - rogue cops and their unbridled force!  He even made me cook him breakfast the next morning.  But enough about my brush with the law, getting back to Dikshit.  This could be the start of a new trend.  He's also facing up to two years in prison, where Dikshit's valley won't be all that green.  In fact, he might have to change his name to Tanis Higgenbottom.

One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest - J. Todd of the J. Tood of the ACWP stars in this film about a deranged axe wielding hotel caretaker who yells "REDRUM" ("Murder" spelled backwards).  Oh wait, wrong film!  Not that it matters.  Just like Jack Nicholson, don't mess with J. Todd - my buddy, my friend...Love the guy!  He's exposed more monkey business in the last few weeks than some of us have gotten into in an entire month, which equals eight weeks. 

Congrats to all of you, one and all.  If only I could physically present you with your Academy Award.

Jenny Woo, Gambling911.com International Senior Correspondent        

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