Doyles Blog: Misplaced My Teeth Again…That Darn Wife of Mine
Casper is back home and I fed that 14 year old beast a half a possum after the doctor said he probably won’t be eating for another two days ago. You might have read on Doyle911.com that Casper suffered from some food poising, probably because I feeded him special treats instead of the approved dog food I’m supposed to buy at Pet Supermarket. I should probably have never fed him that squirrel. But I’m sorry, Casper is older than me in dog years and he’s going to make the best of those years being spoiled by his master. These small dogs live to be 20 years old and up nowadays.
When I die, I want Lacey Jones to be at my bedside wearing only a bikini and I want to die removing it with my dentures. My teeth, they clang like a wooden gate, they float like an exhibit in formaldehyde. George Washington, his teeth were made of wood. I want to die with wood!
I changed poker networks for the 4th time in 12 months a few weeks back, practically more times than I change my underwear these days. Now on this network called Yatahay, which is really comforting. It translates into "Hello” in Navajo. And am I missing something here? They are putting this cowboy on a poker network run by Indians? I guess the next poker network they’ll stick me on is Hágoónee'. That means “good bye, rest in peace”.
Remember boys, 35 is when you finally get your head together and the rest of your body starts falling apart. Guess my age and you get a 110 percent bonus when you join my online poker room (hint hint) Mention bonus code GAMBLING911 and you might even get Lacey Jones if you pinch yourself hard enough.
If you want something to get your attention early in the morning, try getting a call from your dermatologist saying “Come back in, we’ve found a melanoma on your left arm.”
Like I am going to run and go see that f***ing witch doctor!
Anyway, after some resistance, my wife Jane urged me to call that quack’s office and he tells me the next available opening was in four days. WTF? I thought I was at death’s door. Whatever happened to house calls? He should have just emailed me the dire news, or better yet….TWEETED IT.
Headed to Houston but my Alzheimer’s kicked in and ended up in Lubbock, some 1000 miles away. Thank God for GMS! I found my way back. I’m so bad with maps, especially the one of Texas.
I was astounded to see blocks and blocks of medical buildings and the hospital I had my first surgery in 48 years ago was completely gone. I was glad because I remember thinking that building had looked like a giant headstone in a graveyard with my name on it.
After two days of ultrasounds tests, blood work, x rays, etc I went into surgery that lasted three hours. I have an eight inch scar where they excised flesh. I’m afraid Cameron Diaz won’t make anymore movies with me now and my porn career is over. Glad THAT part of me still functions at least.
The doctors also took three lymph nodes under my left armpit to determine if the cancer had spread. The doctors confirmed they had removed all of the cancer from my arm but it would take a week to get the biopsy report on the lymph nodes. At least they didn’t take anything out of my ass. Tired of all those damn colonoscopies. It's to the point where I want to fill out all those medical forms "Don't ask, Don't tell". I know my wife Lily was horrified by this experience but she stood by my side throughout and I love her for it.
One pretty neat thing happened in my first examination. A doctor came into the room laughing and said “I just googled you and you are already dead!”
I’m like WTF?
Then he goes on to say “You came into this hospital almost 50 years ago and had a life expectancy of 3-6 months!” He showed me an old chart from 1962 that said Mr. Brunson’s cancer had disappeared with no explanation.
“I have you in my death pool at 1/5 odds,” he goes on to tell me.
It was a “spontaneous remission”, which we have only seen a few times. That brought back lots of old memories and thank God my “spontaneous remission” happened.
Whoopee! I just got the call from the hospital that the surgery had removed all the cancer from my arm and it hadn’t spread. They said come back in 6 months for a check-up, which I’ll certainly do. I ducked one more bullet and I’m grateful again and so is my lovely wife Gladys.
Now I have to arrange my poker schedule. I was supposed to play in PokerStars Big Game until I realized they were my competition. Now, I am supposed to play the NBC Heads Up Championship the 4th this month. If I don’t feel good, I’m going to pass on that one also. They all want me! Winning bracelets and poker tournaments aren’t as important to me as they were a few weeks ago. Thank you God and thank you Mildred for being at my side for all these years, love you wifey! Will never forget you and all that you have done.
- Doyle Brunson, Gambling911.com
HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY. I KNOW MY WIFE'S NAME IS JEN!
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