Poker Players New Year’s Resolutions We’d Like to See for 2012

Written by:
Thomas Somach
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Poker Players New Year’s Resolutions We’d Like to See for 2012

The two most common New Year's resolutions are vowing to either lose weight or quit smoking.

But when you're involved in the gambling industry, your resolutions for the New Year usually aren't so mundane.

So what are the resolutions for 2012 for some of the noted figures in the industry?

Well, they haven't told us--yet--so we can only tell you the 2012 New Year's Resolutions We'd Like To See:

Jonathan Duhamel, 2010 WSOP Main Event champ who was robbed and beaten by two intruders who broke into his suburban Montreal home--"I resolve to stop being so cheap and finally buy a home security system, and some guns, since I'm a multi-millionaire and can afford anything I want."

John Racener, 2010 WSOP Main Event runnerup who was arrested in Florida for drunken driving--"I resolve to start drinking Shirley Temples."

Doyle "Texas Dolly" Brunson, poker legend who in 2012 will begin his 80th year on the planet--"I resolve to live another year."

Howard "The Professor" Lederer and Chris "Jesus" Ferguson, part owners of online poker room Full Tilt Poker, which was busted by the Feds for being a ponzi scheme--"We resolve to never again get involved in any shady deals."

(Yeah, we know, fat chance of that happening, but we said these are resolutions we'd LIKE to see, not ones we EXPECT to see.)

Phil "Poker Brat" Hellmuth Jr., who has relapsed into near obscurity since his decision to stop being bratty--"I resolve to start acting like a dick again, because this 'good guy' crap is costing me money and TV air time!"

Annette Obrestad, who won the initial WSOPE Main Event but has done nothing since, except ballooning up to nearly 300 pounds--"I resolve to spend more time at the poker table and less time at the dinner table."

Gary Kaplan, free after several years in prison for online bookmaking--"I resolve that, the next time I start an illegal business, to not advertise it in almost every publication in the world."

Jerry Yang, who won a WSOP Main Event a few years ago but remains relatively unknown compared to other recent WSOP Main Event winners--"I resolve, in order to get more attention this year, to get sued, robbed, threatened, beaten or divorced."

Chris Moneymaker, who sparked a worldwide poker boom when he won the WSOP Main Event but who hasn't received much attention since--"I resolve to change my last name to something even more ridiculous so I can get some publicity again."

Greg "Fossilman" Raymer, WSOP Main Event winner who was the victim of a mugging attempt at the Bellagio hotel-casino in Las Vegas--"I resolve to remember that there's no charge to have a hotel security guard escort me to my room after everyone sees me win thousands of dollars playing poker."

Jamie Gold, WSOP Main Event winner and self-described "television producer" who has never produced anything--"I resolve to continue my delusion in 2012."

Daniel "Kid Poker" Negreanu--"I resolve to stop being a racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, homophobic, misanthropic idiot, but only when it starts costing me money."

Phil "Poison" Ivey, who had to cough up millions of dollars in a divorce settlement--"I resolve to get a map and learn where the Cayman Islands are."

Pius Heinz, who won the most recent WSOP Main Event--"I resolve to start a condiment line with 57 varieties."

Thomas "Amarillo Slim" Preston Jr., poker legend whose biopic was scrapped after he made anti-Semetic remarks in a Texas radio interview--"I resolve not to insult anyone ever again, which means I won't speak ever again."

Billy Walters, professional sports bettor who was profiled on "60 Minutes"--"I resolve to continue being so secretive that I can be on TV and it won't matter."

Annie Duke, who's still seething over her loss to Joan Rivers on "Celebrity Apprentice"--"I resolve that if I ever run into Joan Rivers on the street I will punch her in the facelift."

By Tom Somach Staff Writer